Depression really sucks.  You never know when its going to hit nor what triggers it.

 
Tonight during raid things were pretty rough.  I got angry at how I was made to feel and instead of calming down after it was over, I continued to get angrier as the minutes wore on.  Normally this only happens when I feel I've been wronged and its not addressed.  This probably shouldn't have been one of those circumstances.  Made it impossible to enjoy raiding.

Several hours have passed and while I've been listening to upbeat songs like
I suddenly find that I'm extremely depressed.  It's like a wall of lead trying to wash over me.
Ted has mentioned that he's wondering if I'm coming down with Alzheimers and I'm beginning to think maybe he's right.  So many simple things are difficult now and seem more so, albeit slowly.

Talking to Chris tonight he touched on it seems I'm more moody as the weeks go by then I was last year.  I can't say he's wrong.  It's certainely not intentional nor wanted.
I've been laughed @ and made fun of when I say things like "I'm actually a super nice guy", but they don't know the me that is in my heart.  Been a problem all my life for the most part.  Seems when I was younger the "girls" would get it, and the guys would think I was insane bear.  Ergo the nick name.
Supposed to go to Newkirk on the 6th for psych followup but I'm not sure at all how I'm going to get there.  Nor to surgery on the 5th.  *sigh*.

I need HIS peace so badly right now.


Why is it everyone else in the house is calm and @ peace?  Even the dogs are mellow and resting peacefully.  This house once brought me peace.  Now I just exist.  I just 'am'.
truly sucks!  I HATE not being married to a loving woman.  There is nobody in my life that I can truly share my sorrows with and get those "warm fuzzies" that make life liveable.
I don't sleep anymore unless I'm just exhausted.  Then I can't help it.  The body just takes over.  Of course that means Ted spends a lot of time alone as I'm asleep when he's up.  He goes to sleep so easiliy.
I can't remember the last time I went fishing or any other kind of socializing and actually enjoyed it.

Ted discovered the car is overheating again.  I seriously doubt bars leak is going to help this time.  While we've had pretty good luck with the car and have put almost 100k ourselves on it ( its' at 170k+ now ) it still couldn't have come at a worse time.  Not only are we at our limit in tolerable monthly expenses, spring is upon us and the repairs we've needed to complete for years, really really need to get done this year if we're going to have any kind of joy in our home.  We just 'exist'.  Thats no life for Ted.
I could give a damn about me.  I've been thru and survived 100x worse.  He hasn't and shouldn't ever!  He's already given up so much for me *cry*.

LORD I DESPERATELY need your peace & comfort in my life.  We need a break!  I'm doing everything I know how to try to provide for Ted, yet it seems like often times I'm making the wrong choice.  I'm honestly TRYING to do my job.  Not just out of obligation but because I truly want to.  Sometimes I wonder if Ted wouldn't be/have been alot better w/o me so present in his life.

 

I spend so much time alone.  I'm basically in prison.  My existence is no different then when I was in jail other then I do have the privilege of people not telling me what to do.  People have no idea what being truly lonely feels like.  I'm lonely in my soul!  

In my own way....

selah