Sometimes I sit here at night when its mostly quiet in the house and think about my mortality.

I'm heavily invested in http://bearsampp.com right now and am pretty much the only one the knows the ins/outs of how it all works.  I'm training jacob but he doesn't have the php knowledge that i have and mine is very little.  He's great at testing and all the admin stuff so we make a good team but it worries me, alot, what will happen to the project when i'm gone.

Having a really bum evening tonight.
Couldn't sleep and my brain is just a fog.

I guess its depression but I really have no idea why. 

Nothing drastic nor "bad" has happened recently other then a co-worker, if you will, is being annoying, but that shouldn't get to me.

I'm a bit sad over the Queens passing but, again, that shouldn't be triggering things.

Maybe its just that life is kinda "same ole same ole".

Saw the eye doctor last week and he says its time for new scripts on my glasses.

Depression is such a punk.  It popups up and doesn't care if its mild or debilitating its happy to be either.

I just realized I broke a huge project that we've spent almost 1.5yrs working on and its broken bad enough, and there's been enough changes done since we know for sure it last worked that my head is spinning.

My chest hurts, my heart hurts.  You'd think I just lost a loved one! *sigh*

Decided to spend some gaming time hunting rare mounts and stuff and found a plethora of rares worth hunting down in Draenor.

It's strange getting older.  I woke up and wasn't able to get back to sleep and as I sit at the computer there really isn't anything that says "HEY LETS GO DO THIS".

It's almost as if I'm just existing.  Things I used to really enjoy doing and spent hours and hours daily doing don't even interest me enough to do it for more then 15min a month.
Even gaming really isn't fun anymore.

I spend so much time alone.  I sometimes dream how nice it would be to be with Theresa again but then I realize with us living clean across the country from each other that likelyhood is -100%

Depression really sucks.  You never know when its going to hit nor what triggers it.

 
Tonight during raid things were pretty rough.  I got angry at how I was made to feel and instead of calming down after it was over, I continued to get angrier as the minutes wore on.  Normally this only happens when I feel I've been wronged and its not addressed.  This probably shouldn't have been one of those circumstances.  Made it impossible to enjoy raiding.

Several hours have passed and while I've been listening to upbeat songs like
I suddenly find that I'm extremely depressed.  It's like a wall of lead trying to wash over me.
Ted has mentioned that he's wondering if I'm coming down with Alzheimers and I'm beginning to think maybe he's right.  So many simple things are difficult now and seem more so, albeit slowly.

Feeling strange this morning.  Slept on/off yesterday but as I sit here I'm shaking internally and feel "jittery".
Just took my meds so maybe that will help, but I've noticed the last week or so I've not been "right".

Doc added a new med yesterday so maybe that will start to make a change.

All I know for sure is I'm easily overwhelmed and fall into meaningless rabbit holes.

Wouldn't be so bad if I would actually accomplish something when I did so but I just spin my wheels and accomplish nothing.

 

Another wave of depression plowing me over.  idky I let drama from other people get to me so much.
Turns out not only am I blocked from any comments on his issues, which in and of itself is fine, but now I'm also banned from forking any of his content.
In short he's gone about as far towards a ban on public git as he can go.
Now I find out that one of the core parts of neard is now owned by him and used exclusively on Neard and Wamp.  With wamps version being very specific to wamp.

Idk if I'm fully up to this challenge or not.  Is it worth the hassles?  Have I bitten off more then I can chew?

It's been a while since I posted.
Tonight I feel strange.  Have for the last few days on/off.
Few days ago I was dizzy most of the day.  Even stretching made me almost fall out of the chair.

Tonight I just can't think clearly.  It feels like I didn't take my meds today but I'm pretty sure I did.

Pill minder hasn't been refilled though so not entirely sure.

 

Left the Old God's guild in wow.  Way too much drama.  Followed thorne et al to a new guild called "Order of Valhalla" but man does it feel lonely.
Been doing a LOT of coding lately, which is great in that it is getting my mind going again, bad in that I'm losing even more sleep and in that I'm not active in wow.
Can't seem to really focus on anything w/o falling down giant rabbit holes.

Today I slept alot so yet again my sleep schedule is messed up.  I almost had it fixed.  But I've been sick last couple of days and was just worn out and unable to think around 1400

 

Lots of changes coming for Neard in the coming days/weeks.  Hopefully by the 1st of the year it will be fully reborne.  I wonder if Ali will help me redesign it.

Pissed off the original creator, apparently by forking and then releasing fixes, so he banned me from commenting on any issues.  Probably blocked me from creating any too but idk, idc.

 

Hard to believe that in just 2 days my oldest son will be 38!   Seems like just a few years ago he was a teen.  I still remember when we met & I married his mother how much joy that brought me.

Was the first time I can actually remember feeling true Joy.

Bible says "Faith, hope & love, but the greatest of these is love."

I have no doubt in that!

Happy Birthday Son!