Depression really sucks.  You never know when its going to hit nor what triggers it.

 
Tonight during raid things were pretty rough.  I got angry at how I was made to feel and instead of calming down after it was over, I continued to get angrier as the minutes wore on.  Normally this only happens when I feel I've been wronged and its not addressed.  This probably shouldn't have been one of those circumstances.  Made it impossible to enjoy raiding.
Several hours have passed and while I've been listening to upbeat songs like
I suddenly find that I'm extremely depressed.  It's like a wall of lead trying to wash over me.
Ted has mentioned that he's wondering if I'm coming down with Alzheimers and I'm beginning to think maybe he's right.  So many simple things are difficult now and seem more so, albeit slowly.
Talking to Chris tonight he touched on it seems I'm more moody as the weeks go by then I was last year.  I can't say he's wrong.  It's certainely not intentional nor wanted.
I've been laughed @ and made fun of when I say things like "I'm actually a super nice guy", but they don't know the me that is in my heart.  Been a problem all my life for the most part.  Seems when I was younger the "girls" would get it, and the guys would think I was insane bear.  Ergo the nick name.
Supposed to go to Newkirk on the 6th for psych followup but I'm not sure at all how I'm going to get there.  Nor to surgery on the 5th.  *sigh*.

I need HIS peace so badly right now.


Why is it everyone else in the house is calm and @ peace?  Even the dogs are mellow and resting peacefully.  This house once brought me peace.  Now I just exist.  I just 'am'.
truly sucks!  I HATE not being married to a loving woman.  There is nobody in my life that I can truly share my sorrows with and get those "warm fuzzies" that make life liveable.
I don't sleep anymore unless I'm just exhausted.  Then I can't help it.  The body just takes over.  Of course that means Ted spends a lot of time alone as I'm asleep when he's up.  He goes to sleep so easiliy.
I can't remember the last time I went fishing or any other kind of socializing and actually enjoyed it.

Ted discovered the car is overheating again.  I seriously doubt bars leak is going to help this time.  While we've had pretty good luck with the car and have put almost 100k ourselves on it ( its' at 170k+ now ) it still couldn't have come at a worse time.  Not only are we at our limit in tolerable monthly expenses, spring is upon us and the repairs we've needed to complete for years, really really need to get done this year if we're going to have any kind of joy in our home.  We just 'exist'.  Thats no life for Ted.
I could give a damn about me.  I've been thru and survived 100x worse.  He hasn't and shouldn't ever!  He's already given up so much for me *cry*.

LORD I DESPERATELY need your peace & comfort in my life.  We need a break!  I'm doing everything I know how to try to provide for Ted, yet it seems like often times I'm making the wrong choice.  I'm honestly TRYING to do my job.  Not just out of obligation but because I truly want to.  Sometimes I wonder if Ted wouldn't be/have been alot better w/o me so present in his life.
 
I spend so much time alone.  I'm basically in prison.  My existence is no different then when I was in jail other then I do have the privilege of people not telling me what to do.  People have no idea what being truly lonely feels like.  I'm lonely in my soul!  



In my own way....

selah
Feeling strange this morning.  Slept on/off yesterday but as I sit here I'm shaking internally and feel "jittery".
Just took my meds so maybe that will help, but I've noticed the last week or so I've not been "right".
Doc added a new med yesterday so maybe that will start to make a change.
All I know for sure is I'm easily overwhelmed and fall into meaningless rabbit holes.
Wouldn't be so bad if I would actually accomplish something when I did so but I just spin my wheels and accomplish nothing.
 
Another wave of depression plowing me over.  idky I let drama from other people get to me so much.
Turns out not only am I blocked from any comments on his issues, which in and of itself is fine, but now I'm also banned from forking any of his content.
In short he's gone about as far towards a ban on public git as he can go.
Now I find out that one of the core parts of neard is now owned by him and used exclusively on Neard and Wamp.  With wamps version being very specific to wamp.
Idk if I'm fully up to this challenge or not.  Is it worth the hassles?  Have I bitten off more then I can chew?
 
Ordered replacement motherboard & CPU to replace what we have.  Bios randomly decided to switch and reset itself.  Fans still don't show up... 
Seems like I'm spending all my time chasing my tail.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving, well, today now, and as I explained to Ted we do have a LOT to be thankful for, it feels like we're always living one step away from extinction.
I'm sure glad GOD has my back cause nobody else seems to right now.
 
It's been a while since I posted.
Tonight I feel strange.  Have for the last few days on/off.
Few days ago I was dizzy most of the day.  Even stretching made me almost fall out of the chair.
Tonight I just can't think clearly.  It feels like I didn't take my meds today but I'm pretty sure I did.
Pill minder hasn't been refilled though so not entirely sure.
 
Left the Old God's guild in wow.  Way too much drama.  Followed thorne et al to a new guild called "Order of Valhalla" but man does it feel lonely.
Been doing a LOT of coding lately, which is great in that it is getting my mind going again, bad in that I'm losing even more sleep and in that I'm not active in wow.
Can't seem to really focus on anything w/o falling down giant rabbit holes.

Today I slept alot so yet again my sleep schedule is messed up.  I almost had it fixed.  But I've been sick last couple of days and was just worn out and unable to think around 1400
 
Lots of changes coming for Neard in the coming days/weeks.  Hopefully by the 1st of the year it will be fully reborne.  I wonder if Ali will help me redesign it.
Pissed off the original creator, apparently by forking and then releasing fixes, so he banned me from commenting on any issues.  Probably blocked me from creating any too but idk, idc.
 
Hard to believe that in just 2 days my oldest son will be 38!   Seems like just a few years ago he was a teen.  I still remember when we met & I married his mother how much joy that brought me.
Was the first time I can actually remember feeling true Joy.
Bible says "Faith, hope & love, but the greatest of these is love."
I have no doubt in that!
Happy Birthday Son!