Tonights one of those melancholy nights where I can't sleep and can't focus much.  Just kinda sitting here being present.
I'm not moody, depressed, restless or any other *ess just in that weird place where you just "exist".

I know "existing" isn't a healthy place and my pledge for the year was supposed to be to get out more and stop just "existing" but I haven't managed to achieve that yet.

Listing to Scott Wesley Brown this morning.  My son shared one of his songs and it was quite nice.  Maybe you'll find it refreshing too.

Well, Dragonflight pre-patch #2 for Wow has released today.  Very long maintenance window but it seems to be a fun class.

You start out at level 58 and can currently only go to 60 which takes just a couple of lazy hours.  Could probably go much much faster if you focused....

...SQUIRREL....

In other news I've been sick for about 3 weeks now.  Tired alot.  Tonight is the first time I've been able to stay awake more then 1hr.  Doc wants me to go get a chest x-ray *sigh*.

Had a good chat with my brother so that was nice.
Got our xmas gifts for others planned out.  Now just have to make it happen.

Sometimes I sit here at night when its mostly quiet in the house and think about my mortality.

I'm heavily invested in http://bearsampp.com right now and am pretty much the only one the knows the ins/outs of how it all works.  I'm training jacob but he doesn't have the php knowledge that i have and mine is very little.  He's great at testing and all the admin stuff so we make a good team but it worries me, alot, what will happen to the project when i'm gone.

Having a really bum evening tonight.
Couldn't sleep and my brain is just a fog.

I guess its depression but I really have no idea why. 

Nothing drastic nor "bad" has happened recently other then a co-worker, if you will, is being annoying, but that shouldn't get to me.

I'm a bit sad over the Queens passing but, again, that shouldn't be triggering things.

Maybe its just that life is kinda "same ole same ole".

Saw the eye doctor last week and he says its time for new scripts on my glasses.

Depression is such a punk.  It popups up and doesn't care if its mild or debilitating its happy to be either.

I just realized I broke a huge project that we've spent almost 1.5yrs working on and its broken bad enough, and there's been enough changes done since we know for sure it last worked that my head is spinning.

My chest hurts, my heart hurts.  You'd think I just lost a loved one! *sigh*

Decided to spend some gaming time hunting rare mounts and stuff and found a plethora of rares worth hunting down in Draenor.

It's strange getting older.  I woke up and wasn't able to get back to sleep and as I sit at the computer there really isn't anything that says "HEY LETS GO DO THIS".

It's almost as if I'm just existing.  Things I used to really enjoy doing and spent hours and hours daily doing don't even interest me enough to do it for more then 15min a month.
Even gaming really isn't fun anymore.

I spend so much time alone.  I sometimes dream how nice it would be to be with Theresa again but then I realize with us living clean across the country from each other that likelyhood is -100%

Depression really sucks.  You never know when its going to hit nor what triggers it.

 
Tonight during raid things were pretty rough.  I got angry at how I was made to feel and instead of calming down after it was over, I continued to get angrier as the minutes wore on.  Normally this only happens when I feel I've been wronged and its not addressed.  This probably shouldn't have been one of those circumstances.  Made it impossible to enjoy raiding.

Several hours have passed and while I've been listening to upbeat songs like
I suddenly find that I'm extremely depressed.  It's like a wall of lead trying to wash over me.
Ted has mentioned that he's wondering if I'm coming down with Alzheimers and I'm beginning to think maybe he's right.  So many simple things are difficult now and seem more so, albeit slowly.

Feeling strange this morning.  Slept on/off yesterday but as I sit here I'm shaking internally and feel "jittery".
Just took my meds so maybe that will help, but I've noticed the last week or so I've not been "right".

Doc added a new med yesterday so maybe that will start to make a change.

All I know for sure is I'm easily overwhelmed and fall into meaningless rabbit holes.

Wouldn't be so bad if I would actually accomplish something when I did so but I just spin my wheels and accomplish nothing.